I guess I was a bit premature when I announced “I’m back!” on this blog way back in September. I was not back. I just dropped in for a visit and then left again.

The last few months have been relatively uneventful for me personally. I’m ok with this! When I think about all of the overwhelming current events and the state of the world, I’m glad I had the space to live through these times without too much activity. We had a low-stress fall. The kids came home from college for winter break. We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in Napa in January.

I’m not really doing much of anything. I read a lot of books. I walk my dog. I cook healthy dinners. I’ve started learning how to play mahjong. In fact, when people ask me what I do, I’ve started answering that “I’m retired.” I’m not sure that it is an accurate answer, but it’s an easy answer.

It’s not an easy answer if they ask the inevitable follow-up questions though! For example, “What did you do before you retired?” I really don’t like that question!

I usually say that I was a librarian. But then I have to explain that I haven’t worked as a librarian since 2002, because I stayed home with my kids.

Can one be a retired stay-at-home mom? Raising our children was a huge job, and I’m very proud of that work, but retirement from staying home is an odd concept. I still stay home, but now I have fewer distractions and more freedom. I stay home to take care of myself and my husband. It’s really nice, but difficult to explain to people who go to work everyday to earn a paycheck.

I don’t even try add my retirement from volunteer work to the conversation. Anything I could possibly say would be awkward and uncomfortable. If someone asks me if I plan to volunteer again in the future, I usually lie and say “maybe,” although I know the true answer is “no.” I’m 99.9% sure that I don’t want to pour my heart into volunteer work that I’m passionate about again, because it might lead to failure, pain and loss. Nope. Never again. But I don’t say it. Believe it or not, I do try really hard not to over-share when given the opportunity.

I wish I felt compelled to get out into the world and make a difference again. I hope I can do this again someday, but I can’t do it now. I was offered a position with a wonderful organization that does social justice work, and I tried to do it, but it felt too similar to my old volunteer work, so I gave up. I just can’t do it.

Retired seems like the easiest way to describe what I do now, but the word doesn’t fit comfortably on my shoulders. I don’t really like to think of myself as permanently retired. I’m only 52! I don’t want to spend the next 20-40 years doing nothing.

But I don’t really know what I want to do. I thought I wanted to make art, and I’m still doing that, but I don’t think art is the answer. I really enjoy painting and taking photographs, but I’m not sure that I care enough to HUSTLE enough to make art a late-in-life career. I’d rather just make beautiful art that I enjoy for myself and the people in my life.

I suppose I could go out and look for a job, but that feels a bit overwhelming after 24 years of staying home. I’m happy staying home. I stay busy, and our quality of life is really nice, because I’m able to put thought and effort into all the daily chores that keep things running smoothly. I like walking my dog and planning healthy dinners and puttering around in the garden.

Meh. I guess I’ll just think of myself as retired for now. I can be something else when (if) the right something else comes along, but I’m not in a hurry to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

Oh! If I get the battery in my hand-me-down laptop replaced, I could sit here on the couch and write. I might have a book in me somewhere if I tried. Maybe?

Nah. I’m retired.